Acceptance Before Preference: Nutrition for Eating Disorder Recovery
During the process of eating disorder recovery, there are many phases to the nutrition work. The individual in recovery will be gradually increasing their nutrition, learning to establish a regular pattern of eating, balance their plate, and add in more variety. Regardless of the eating disorder, it is very common to have a limited list of “allowed” or “safe” foods within the eating disorder, and a larger list of foods avoided for a variety of different reasons ranging from fear, to food rules, to preference.
Often, when we are implementing the integration of variety with foods in the recovery process (because in wellness, all foods fit), we hear strong statements of preference. “I just don’t like this”. “This texture bothers me”. “I would never eat this food”. Etc. This is so common that we hear it MANY times each week, and while we understand and sympathize, there is a phrase we find ourselves saying to individuals and to their family:
“Acceptance before preference”
Even as I am writing this, I can feel the resistance from many who will read this! And I know it can be so difficult and uncomfortable to hear, and even more uncomfortable to implement. And everyone has so many reasons why it doesn’t apply to them.
So let me explain this idea in more depth.
What do we mean by “acceptance before preference”?
If you are aligned with your healthy self, and do not have an eating disorder, then you practice acceptance before preference very instinctually. You of course have foods that you like the most, prefer eating when there is the opportunity, and gravitate to them in your weekly rotation of meals cooked. However, you also can most definitely eat other foods when need be. If you get invited to a friend or families home for dinner, you will have the ability to eat whatever has been cooked for you and served to you, with love, regardless of if it is the type of meal or foods you usually prefer. If you are a guest at a wedding, you will be able to eat the meal served, whether or not it is something you actually enjoy or usually eat! If you are on a long flight and very hungry, you will eat the plane food, even though honestly, no one likes it! And when you are in a foreign country, you will try new foods, and eat many meals outside your preferred ones and likely outside your comfort zone as well. And you will be able to do so calmly, with joy and gratitude and feel OK with yourself whether or not you actually preferred, or even enjoyed, the food you ate.
However, if you are someone struggling with an eating disorder, this is not the case. Foods beyond what feels safe and preferred each day (whether that is types of foods, amounts of certain foods, or foods prepared by others) feel extremely frightening. And those examples of food/ life scenarios I listed above (meals cooked by others, travel, events, etc.) are often avoided and restricted. In an eating disorder, foods outside of one’s current list of preferences feels insurmountable. The idea of facing these foods causes panic, anxiety, pre planning, restriction, thoughts and actions of compensatory behaviors (such as purging, laxatives or exercise), and more. Many who struggle with an eating disorder will verbally deny this experience, while simultaneously demonstrating in life that this is the case. It is often one of those things that in our illness we can feel very disconnected from and may not be able to see clearly.
To have a healthy relationship with food in life, to enjoy all of life's experiences and participate fully in social situations, we need to be able to live in the space between all or nothing. We may have preferences with food, and that is just fine. BUT we also need to be able to accept and be OK with eating foods outside of those preferences. Afterall, in life there are so many food circumstances that are unpredictable and outside of our control. And so much of life experiences and celebrations are intertwined with food.
This means that in recovery, we need to fill our plates with foods beyond what our list of current preferred foods are, to help overcome the challenges that arise from eating these foods, and learn to engage with them safely to set you up for success with food in life beyond recovery.
Are your preferences really yours? Or are they the eating disorders?
It can be really hard when struggling with an eating disorder, to have clarity over which foods we prefer because of taste, and which foods we prefer because they feel most safe or are most aligned with the eating disorder. Very often, we see individuals at the start of their journey with very strong preferences for certain foods and avoidance of others…and they end up sharing with us years later how much they disliked those preferred foods and how fearful they were of those avoided ones.
I once had a client who was adamant that she loved olives. She chose them all the time for her fat source, and even had her family purchase a box of them in bulk. 2 years later and much further along in recovery, that box of bulk olives is now stored in the garage and this person can admit how much she hated them! She only chose them because it felt like the safest choice at the time to pacify the eating disorder, and the eating disorder noise had this person convinced that olives were much more enjoyable to her than actually is the case.
Another client used to tell me how much she hated chocolate. She was adamant that it simply tasted bad and she would never consume it. 1.5 years into recovery, she finds herself reaching for chocolate flavored doughnuts, ice cream, cookies and more, as she realizes that she actually enjoys the taste, and the avoidance of it was a way to reduce consumption of treats in social situations.
My point in sharing some of these experiences is to say that often, what we think is a strong preference while we have an eating disorder, may be skewed. We may in fact not like these foods, but it could also be equally true that we are avoiding them for eating disorder intentions. And in the depths of the eating disorder, the distinction may not yet be clear. This is another reason why, in eating disorder recovery, we must practice acceptance before preference. We need to be OK with eating a wide variety of foods, and open to learning what we do or don’t prefer when no longer fearful and avoidant of foods. From a space of acceptance, we can become much clearer on true preference. And likewise, maintaining strong avoidances, even in the name of preference, can hold us back from a full recovery.
When someone begins their eating disorder recovery journey, they are always most fearful of the nutrition work. And while yes, we really do need to practice acceptance before preference for nutrition in eating disorder recovery, there is a way for this work to be done safely and gently, step by step. We always go nice and slow with the nutrition work for a multitude of reasons, and adding in foods that scare us or that we are avoidant of is no exception to this. To have a full recovery, we need to be able to add in a variety of foods, make sure that all foods fit, and learn to feel safe and calm around a variety of different foods and food scenarios. This is a huge part of having a healthy relationship with food and aligning with healthy self vs the eating disorder.
It is so important, during the recovery process, to keep an open mind around our likes and dislikes with food, and find acceptance around exploring all different foods regardless of current preferences while struggling with an eating disorder. They may or may not still be our preferences once recovered, but that doesn’t change the work that needs to be done, as in life, we need to show up to food and our nutrition, even when it is not our most preferred or safest meals and snacks. Remember that as a healthy person without an eating disorder, there will always be space for preference, AND we will have the ability to be flexible and practice acceptance beyond our preferences with food. When we think about the bigger picture of life: of travel, of being invited to someone's home for dinner, of a loved one cooking for us, and so much more, the intention behind the work becomes clearer, and the work feels kinder. This is why we practice acceptance before preference in nutrition for eating disorder recovery.
If you or a loved one is struggling with an eating disorder and you are looking for support, we offer free discovery calls and are always happy to connect, learn about what you are experiencing, provide you with some resources to help you right away, and share what the work together would look like based on your personal journey and where you are at in the process.
